


The Legend of Keith

by Jonagorgon



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-07
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-11 16:07:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20156326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jonagorgon/pseuds/Jonagorgon
Summary: "Keith is a god damn legend," said Keith.





	1. Chapter 1

Children's playful shouts and shrieks filled the hot summer air at the Hawkins community pool. Billy Hargrove had been admiring Mrs. Karen Wheeler's fit form as she swam her last lap in between snorkel-clad explorers and Polos evading a Marco. Karen exited the pool and noticed Billy sauntering her way with a dashing smile.

"Mrs. Wheeler," said Billy. "Want to have the sex?"

"Uh, huh!" replied Karen.

"Goody gumdrops. Motel 6 on Cornwallis at eight. Bring donuts. I'll bring the gimp."

Then, it happened. Keith came sashaying out of the locker room and into the sunlight, looking like a god. His stomach was perfectly paunchy, and he was wearing a bright orange banana hammock, carrying a matching bag of Cheetos. A line of women laying in lounge chairs came instantly as he walked by.

"Hello, ladies," said Keith, popping a Cheeto into his mouth.

Karen caught sight of Keith and immediately pivoted to sprint toward him. "Oh, Keith!" she shouted with rabid pleasure.

Before she could gain momentum, Billy pushed Karen into the pool with great force, precipitating her mid-air scream and a large splash. Billy casually walked up to Keith, smiling nervously, twirling his mullet with his finger.

"Well, if it isn't Billy Boy," said Keith, giving Billy a titty twister, leaving Cheeto residue on his nipple.

"Keith, you are a god damn legend," said a giddy Billy. "I want to have your child."

"That might be difficult, Hargrove, as I believe you do not have a uterus. We can do...other stuff, though."

Keith grabbed Billy vigorously, causing Billy to gasp, dipping him down and kissing him with great force. Billy chewed and swallowed the Cheeto bolus he received from Keith and grinned widely.

Suddenly, there was a panicked male shout coming from the middle of the pool.

"Keith, help! A little girl is struggling to stay afloat and you're the only one who can save her!"

Keith walked to the edge of the pool, picked out a Cheeto from his bag, and threw it into the pool in a very unenthusiastic manner. The Cheeto transformed into a large Cheeto inner tube. The little girl grabbed onto it while simultaneously taking a delicious bite, and she was safe.

"Keith saved that little girl, everybody!" shouted Billy jubilantly. "He's a hero! Three cheers for Keith! Hip! Hip!"

"Hooray!" shouted everyone.

Keith shrugged nonchalantly and tilted his head.

"Hip! Hip!"

"Hooray!"

Keith attached a collar around Billy's neck and connected a leash, leading him away amidst the crowd's deafening cheers.

"You're coming with me, Billy Boy," said Keith.

"Yes, daddy," said Billy.


	2. Chapter 2

Scoops Ahoy was bustling on a Saturday afternoon. Frigid, sugary dairy was being slung skillfully into cones, cups, and boats by the blank-faced Robin Buckley. Steve Harrington was in the back room on his break rubbing one out while gazing seductively at his magnificent coiffure in the mirror. 

Max Mayfield approached the counter as Lucas Sinclair was counting bills and coins in his hands next to her.

"What'll it be, cookies and cream?" inquired Robin.

"Let's see," said Max. "I'll take a banana split with—"

The lights began flickering in the store. Will Byers, at home playing a D&D campaign by himself, put his hand on the back of his neck to feel goosebumps. There was a momentous shift in the world as well as in the upside down.

"It was Keith," said Keith, popping a Cheeto into his mouth, sashaying into the ice cream parlor and parting the crowd like the Red Sea. He was dressed in bright orange acid-wash denim shorts and a bright orange tank top.

Lucas and Max, now beaming with joy, stepped to the side in reverence and stood there just soaking in the wonder that is Keith. Steve burst in from the back room.

"Keith, heyyyy!" he said.

"How's it hangin', Harrington?"

"It's actually erect at the moment."

"I can see that!" Keith high-fived Steve.

"What can I get you, Keith?" asked Robin.

"I'll have a Cheeto waffle cone with two scoops of Cheeto ice cream," said Keith.

Robin blushed with embarrassment. "Sorry, Keith, we don't have that. I can call corporate and request it be invented, though, it'd be no problem at all!"

Keith rolled his eyes and sighed deeply. "Two scoops of strawberry in a waffle cone then."

Robin served up the requested ice cream configuration rapidly and handed it to Keith, gently caressing his hand as he took it. "Enjoy, Keith."

"Keith always enjoys Keith, baby," said Keith.

Keith put his bag of Cheetos on a nearby table, started taking them out one by one, and pushing them into the ice cream on his cone until the two scoops were studded with Cheetos. He looked at Robin and nodded while winking in a totally non-creepy way. In a matter of seconds, the strawberry ice cream and waffle cone had turned a bright orange hue.

Robin fanned her hot neck with her hand, trying to suppress her wild euphoria. "Oh my god!"

"And on the eighth day, God said 'Let there be Cheeto ice cream'," said Keith. "And He saw that It was good. Now, after I'm done with these two scoops, I'd like to get my hands on your two scoops of vanilla."

Robin jumped over the counter briskly and nestled into Keith's chest like a needy rescue dog. "Oh, Keith. They might just melt if you do that, but it would be so worth it."

"Dude, you turned Robin straight," said Steve, astonished.

Keith shrugged. "Yeah," said Keith in a bored tone, biting into his Cheeto ice cream with a crunch. "That happens." Keith put on his aviator sunglasses and turned towards Robin. "Shall we retire to my house? My parents won't be home for a few hours at least."

"Yes, let's," said Robin. "Steve, be a doll and cover for me. I will NOT be back in a jiffy."

Keith and Robin walked toward the exit, both licking Keith's Cheeto ice cream. Dustin Henderson walked in at that very moment.

"Henderson!" shouted Steve. "Heyyyy!"

Dustin's face lit up. "Hey, Keith, it's great to see you!" said Dustin enthusiastically, as he followed him and Robin out into the mall.

Steve's face became very somber as his head nodded forward with a profound sadness. "How can I ever compare with the legend that is Keith?" he lamented.


End file.
